A 10-point TO DO list for after my mother dies

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1. Feel the relief that comes with the peaceful end of my mother’s life. She was so ready, so grateful to have my sister and me here, so present during the close of her days.

2. Receive the messages that arrive as emails, phone calls, texts, FB comments, and in-person conversations. The reaching out by others is welcome, appreciated, invaluable.

3. Plan the celebration of her life. With chocolate cake and heartfelt words.

4. Enjoy the warmth and love present for Mum among those who attended the Celebration in person and in spirit. This ritual coming together to mourn and to celebrate our splendid mother is a marker on the way into the next months — important to organize, comforting to experience.

5. Speak freely of Mum every chance I have. She lives on in the stories I tell and the stories I hear.

6. Dive into packing up the things that surrounded her. They are just things without our splendid mother to animate them through her use of them. Even her clothes just hang, lifeless, meaningless now.

7. Accept the help that comes so generously from friends and neighbours: rides given, boxes delivered, items repurposed…

8. Keep up the pace. The suite needs emptying — it’s already been rented for next month!

9. Be grateful for the early-morning and late-evening conversations I shared with Mum in the final weeks of her life during which all was said that needed saying and a lifetime of love was evident in acts of intimacy and tenderness when daughter played mother and mother was open to daughter as caregiver.

10. Know that everything everyone is saying about grief is likely true — that tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will bring time for tears and memories and sadness, and also for gratitude for the woman who was my remarkable mother, and for feeling the love we shared and the love that lives on in my heart.


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Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.

Comments

  1. Ann without an EMay 7, 2024 at 5:22 AM

    Great to do list, Amanda. I too process best with a plan. I might add a couple more items
    Celebrate firsts: First week, first month, first holidays, birthdays, any annual celebration that is part of your relationship with Anne (with an E)

    Miscellaneous: This is where you put things that don’t fit anywhere else but are too evocative to leave out. An example might be as small as enjoying a favorite snack from your childhood or as large as recalling her last words to you.

    Soon you’ll be leaving Edmonton and heading home, going back to your life, a life forever different now. Not better not worse but different.

    Much love and admiration

    Ann

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnahitaMay 7, 2024 at 6:58 AM

    Amanda, please accept my condolences.
    Your words are comforing for all of us who are living with elderly parents.
    Memories and sharing stories are always welcomed and knowing our loved ones had a long and accomplished lives is heart warming.
    May your mom's story last for generations to come....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Barbara Hull ChanMay 7, 2024 at 10:44 AM

    You think and write so clearly, what a great skill/gift to have. Thanks Amanda.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Grace KoshidaMay 7, 2024 at 11:24 AM

    Amanda, this is a thoughtful and positive to-do list after your mom's recent passing.

    I wish I had your calm and strength when my dad passed away suddenly during the heart of the pandemic. I had to become a solo automaton, flying into Toronto. It was all a blur, having only 4 days to clear out his retirement home apt on my own & start doing tasks as his executor. It wasn't fun to arrange in-person mtgs with his lawyer, banks, car dealership, insurance, Service Ontario staff, etc when we were supposed to be social distancing. But in 2021, I could not do many of these tasks virtually.

    I delayed my grief until I arrived back home in Ottawa the following week.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousMay 7, 2024 at 8:27 PM

    Yes, all that that you said. It's deep in the feels. Love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMay 8, 2024 at 8:26 AM

    Thank you for sharing this list Amanda. Your love for your mother shines through your words. My sincere condolences.

    ReplyDelete

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